I hate dreaming

Last night I seemed to have heart shattering dreams.

First, my bestfriend told me she was pregnant.

Then, my ex-boyfriends sister told me that he still liked me and was going to get me back.

Heart shattering. 

Last night when I was with a WONDERFUL man I just didn’t feel right about it. I felt like we shouldn’t be together. I’ve told him this many times before, and of course I feel like a jerk for it. I AM a jerk for it. 

It’s because what I had with my ex was so real and natural I feel like every other relationship should feel that way. But what I have with (let’s call him Ervin) Ervin doesn’t feel that way. But that’s not it. 

When I kiss Ervin, something just doesn’t feel right. I feel guilty about kissing him.Why? I have no idea. I hate that my thoughts are so confusing.

Last night my heart actually hurt. I had actual pain in my chest. I still felt heartbroken over (let’s call him Tony) Tony. He broke my heart, but I still miss him. When will that just go away? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly love someone. Ever. Everything about relationships scares me, frightens me. I never want to have one again, because it seems that they all end in more heartbreak. Maybe I am just better off on my own. 

I’m trying to stay away from Ervin, although it’s hard. We were never officially dating, but we sure acted like it. But it just doesn’t feel right to me! So I have to let him go. I enjoy kissing him. But I know if I continue to do so it’s just not going to end up well. 

One last thing. 

Last night, as I was trying to explain to Ervin how I felt without being a complete jerk, I started crying. I cry way too much. I cried because my heart hurt and because I was so confused. So I left. And, just my luck, Tony was working out in Ervin’s gym. 

I lost it.I got into my car and just bawled. I hurt so much. STILL. This shouldn’t be happening! This is so stupid. 

One day Tony’s going to start dating another girl. Maybe then I’ll finally start healing.Because I’ll have to.

Attraction & Popularity

The other day I was sitting on a cooler at a party. During this time I started observing the people who were at the party. Everyone has a friend group. We choose our friend groups by what we have in common. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, this is totally normal. 

What’s upsetting is when we start to label other people as “better than me”. Or those girls are the “hot girls”. Why? What makes them more attractive than me? Why does that make them more valuable to society than me? Well, it doesn’t. It’s just the way we think. 

We’re all just humans. We’re all living our own lives. We’re all the same. Different, but the same. 

Shouldn’t we take time to stop these thoughts? No girl should ever feel like she is less valued just because she “isn’t beautiful”. We should take time to know everyone…to show them that “hey, you may be different from me, but I value who you are. I appreciate you”. We all would LOVE to be told that we’re appreciated by our peers who are outside of our friend groups. 

I am guilty of this myself. 

At that party I could have walked to all the groups, and talked to everyone. Sure, they may have thought I was weird, but at least I would be showing them that I notice them! Small talk may be awful, but it’s still a small way to show others I care. Because I do! I’m just intimidated. I need to get over that. They’re no better than me, and I no better than them. 

I would like to step over the lines. It’s hard, I know. But I need to spread love. Maybe, somehow, I could make a difference in someone else’s life, if only I took the time. Maybe someone else could influence my life, if only I would take the time. 

I know it’s hard to talk to people whom you have nothing in common with. But I’m not saying we need to be best friends with everyone. I just think we need to stop thinking that some people are better than others, and start showing love. 

Even a smile goes a long way. 

I’m going to challenge myself to talk to people outside of my friend group at the next party I go to. 

Star

This Star Won’t Go Out has made me think about life and what it means to be alive. What are we here on earth for? All my life I’ve been told that it’s to “do God’s will.” But what is God’s will?

Esther Grace Earl knew the importance of love. She knew her time on earth was short, and she didn’t pity herself, she knew that she was strong and took on the world anyway. 

In many movies when a character finds out that they only have a certain amount of time left on earth, they travel, or bungee jump, or learn how to fly a plane. They do some crazy things. But why? What’s the point? Shouldn’t we have larger life goals? 

Esther was young. And she already KNEW what is important in this life. Love. It’s so simple. Yet not many people do it unconditionally. Esther loved ALL people. People that she had only met on the internet, and people whom she never met at all. She loved them, and even though she was facing her own troubles, she took the time to help others. To listen to their concerns and needs. No matter how “small” the problem, Esther treated every problem like it was a big deal. 

Esther had a caring heart, and she was honest with herself and others. I am inspired by her story. We all need to love more. Didn’t the Beatles say it? “All you need is love.” How true it is. 

The difficulty in your family

Seeing your family again…was heartbreaking. 

You weren’t there (thank God) but I still had those feelings. I talked to your Grandmother, Mother, sister, and hugged your father.

I miss them all. 

Your Grandmother I hadn’t seen since you ended things, and when she told me she missed me, I almost lost it. almost. I hadn’t even talked to her for more than two minutes when she tried making me a plate of food. Haha. 

Hugging your father was also difficult. When we were together, he treated me like a daughter..he joked with me, teased me. I enjoyed that. 

I know I was always shy around your family, but I still grew attached to them. They are amazing people. You have a great family. I wish I could have spent more time with them. But the friends I was with had to rush off. 

I think, because of this reuniting with your family, I keep thinking that maybe we could work out in the future. Maybe something will change for us, maybe you’ll talk to me, maybe you’ll tell me you want to be with me. That whatever stage your going through is over, and your ready for me.

But I know that’s crazy, that will never happen. And if it did. If you did talk to me, apologize, show me that you still want me, would I let you back in my life? I hurt so much. But we went through so much! But it doesn’t matter. People change. You changed, and so did I. We could never go back. 

Would I let you in? I have no idea. In my heart I want to. But I know in my mind I shouldn’t. I’m better this way. I’m striving towards larger goals. Will I ever be 100% over you? You’ve moved on.And I’m truly thankful for that. I wish and pray the best for you.