Last night I seemed to have heart shattering dreams.
First, my bestfriend told me she was pregnant.
Then, my ex-boyfriends sister told me that he still liked me and was going to get me back.
Last night when I was with a WONDERFUL man I just didn’t feel right about it. I felt like we shouldn’t be together. I’ve told him this many times before, and of course I feel like a jerk for it. I AM a jerk for it.
It’s because what I had with my ex was so real and natural I feel like every other relationship should feel that way. But what I have with (let’s call him Ervin) Ervin doesn’t feel that way. But that’s not it.
When I kiss Ervin, something just doesn’t feel right. I feel guilty about kissing him.Why? I have no idea. I hate that my thoughts are so confusing.
Last night my heart actually hurt. I had actual pain in my chest. I still felt heartbroken over (let’s call him Tony) Tony. He broke my heart, but I still miss him. When will that just go away? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly love someone. Ever. Everything about relationships scares me, frightens me. I never want to have one again, because it seems that they all end in more heartbreak. Maybe I am just better off on my own.
I’m trying to stay away from Ervin, although it’s hard. We were never officially dating, but we sure acted like it. But it just doesn’t feel right to me! So I have to let him go. I enjoy kissing him. But I know if I continue to do so it’s just not going to end up well.
One last thing.
Last night, as I was trying to explain to Ervin how I felt without being a complete jerk, I started crying. I cry way too much. I cried because my heart hurt and because I was so confused. So I left. And, just my luck, Tony was working out in Ervin’s gym.
I lost it.I got into my car and just bawled. I hurt so much. STILL. This shouldn’t be happening! This is so stupid.
One day Tony’s going to start dating another girl. Maybe then I’ll finally start healing.Because I’ll have to.